Happy Anniversary, a Little Early

Last June, I left my life behind for my husband. I left a job that I loved and was comfortable with for a new position full of risks and uncertainty, where I would work by myself instead of in an office full of people. I left a coaching position that brought me a lot of joy and satisfaction, along with dear friends and meaningful relationships with the young women I got to teach. I left behind the comfort of the city I was raised in. Most difficult of all, I left behind the security of being close to my family.

Bryan said he wanted to move so that he could go to graduate school or law school at OCU, but I’d always known he didn’t want to live in Tulsa. I just kept telling myself that he would be happy eventually, or he’d see how happy I was and not want to make me move. But he wasn’t happy, and so he found another job in Oklahoma City, and then we found an apartment, and a month after he did, I left Tulsa behind. I remember having a conversation with one of the Highstepper moms before I moved, and she told me she and her husband had faced a similar situation, and that in the long run, their move had been wonderful for their marriage. She told me to wait and see- that God would bless me for honoring my husband.

But about two months later, I started getting really depressed. I missed my friends and my coworkers and my family terribly. Bryan had his dad and his brother near, and they all did their best to keep me busy, but I felt alone. I enrolled at a yoga studio and went one time. I took Tino to the dog park and met some people with an Italian Greyhound Rescue organization, but I never signed up to do anything. I had no motivation to meet new people. In fact, all I really wanted to do was sleep and eat. It was hard for me to even get up and go to work each morning. I hit rock bottom one day when I called my mom and just started sobbing on the phone when she asked me what I was doing.

I went to see my parents that weekend, and we sat at their table and talked about what they could do to help my situation. My mom, motivated by her deep concern for my well-being, suggested that I move back to Tulsa and live with them while Bryan finished school. Then, he could simply move back when he was finished, she rationalized, and we could go back to living in Tulsa together. But in my heart, that just didn’t seem right. When I married Bryan, I sincerely committed to those vows, and even though I was miserable, I couldn’t leave him behind in pursuit of my own happiness, even temporarily. I asked my parents to never make me that offer again, because in my weakness, I might take them up on it. I told them that if I ever came to them again feeling like I wanted to give up, then they should tell me to keep my chin up and stand by my husband.

So they did. I went back to Oklahoma City and saw a new doctor about treating my depression. I started volunteering with the youth group at church every Wednesday night. Each weekday morning, my mom and my sister would both call me to make sure I was getting out of bed and going to work. And my husband would hold me and listen to me when I’d cry.

I slowly came to realize that God had emptied my life of all the things I’d chosen to fill it with, and now, He was filling it with the things He wanted for me: service to others, devotion to my husband and my marriage, and fellowship with Him. While the things that had consumed my time before weren’t bad things, they simply weren’t the things He wanted for me.

After a while, I felt our marriage began to grow and deepen. Bryan and I joined a community group at our church, where we soon began a study on marriage, wouldn’t you know. The first thing we learned was that for a healthy, happy, successful marriage, you have to put God first, then your spouse second. You have to constantly work to keep those two priorities in place and not let other things or relationships crowd them out. The other important things we learned in the study were to always pursue your spouse, to make your marriage about “we” and not “me,” and to confide in each other.

I wasn’t doing those things before we moved. Without meaning to, I had made my jobs a priority over my husband, and I confided in others as much as I confided in him. Don’t get me wrong- there was a lot of happiness in our first year of marriage, and I know Bryan felt that I loved him, but I can see now that we were on a road towards emptiness and dissatisfaction.

Now that my circumstances and attitude have changed, I can honestly and sincerely say that I am happier than I have ever been. I still miss seeing my family more often, and I miss some of the hubbub of working in Tulsa, but my heart is in the right place. I have a husband that loves me and values me, and I have come to rely on him for so many things. We have a deep and real partnership that I wouldn’t trade for anything. And I am closer to God than I have been in years. I am so desperately thankful that He chose to deal with my heart instead of giving up on me, that He still cares about me enough to change me.

Next week is my second wedding anniversary, so I want to say a little something to my husband for him to discover next month when he’s catching up on my blog: Bryan, I know we will face seasons of sorrow as well as seasons of joy, but I promise that I will stand by you. I love you so much, and I am so proud to be your wife.


Mark 10: 7-9 “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and the two shall become one flesh, so they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”