Today, I had the incredible honor of attending our church's staff meeting and being prayed over.

While I haven't blogged in almost a month, there's been a lot going on. I've struggled, though, with laying it all out there. With admitting that every thing's not okay, that I'm burdened and broken. I have learned recently that it's difficult for me to be transparent and honest in times when I feel like I don't have it all together. More on that some other time...

After recently recovering from a painful, two-month kidney stent ordeal, I have been dealing with chronic abdominal and pelvic pain for the last month. I've had multiple scans and ultrasounds that indicate I may be suffering from endometriosis. This condition could have been causing the pain that my doctors thought was the result of my kidney deformity, or it could be a new development. Either way, I am now facing my third surgical procedure in 15 months, and this one will allow my new doctors to take a look inside my abdomen and determine how to treat the problem.

I'm exhausted from trying to live my life while dealing with the chronic pain. I'm worried about what these problems mean for my future. I have no energy and I'm highly emotional. I also feel like a disappointment to Bryan and my family and friends. I feel like I'm constantly letting people down because I don't feel well enough to function at my usual capacity. And then I reason that I must be letting God down too. Surely I ought to be facing these struggles with wisdom and patience and grace instead of frustration and near despair.

After admitting to a dear friend all that was going on in my life and the emotional struggles that have resulted from the physical problems, she invited me to come and meet with our church staff and be anointed with oil and prayed over. So, I went this morning and sat nervously in a room full of our church leaders. They asked me to explain what was going on in my life and my voice shook as I told them that I had been in chronic pain for sometime now and was having a hard time continuing to "plug away at life." That I wanted to have my joy restored and that I wanted to boldly request healing from God. I was embarrassed by my lack of eloquence and the squeaky way my voice must have sounded. I felt undeserving to receive the attention of these leaders and to ask for something so audacious.

Still, they circled around me, rubbed oil on my head, placed their hands upon me and prayed. They asked God to restore me to health, to give me strength and supernatural peace and to be my my all-sufficient One. To build my character through this experience so that I would be forever changed. To draw me closer to Him than ever before. When they finished, I wiped me eyes and thanked them for ministering to me. I wanted them to understand how blessed I felt and how proud I am to be part of a church that practices a religion that reflects Christ's ministry on earth. How much I love being a tiny part of that ministry.

As I left the building, I continued to cry for a while. I still felt unworthy to receive such a blessing, but I asked God to reveal Himself to me in a powerful way. And this afternoon, I feel peace. I know that God loves me enough to fill my life with caring people, people who will pray over me and hold me and comfort me and accept me in this current broken state. That I'm really not ever alone and no matter what happens in the future, God will use this experience to bring glory.

So, this is the scripture that I'm meditating on for now, while I wait for His answer:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 2:9-10